Intentions

I've been feeling really restless since we moved to OKC in late June. Though we have been living in our house since early July, in many ways it still feels like a hotel. So much of our furniture was ruined in the move, doesn't fit right, or doesn't even exist (Cambria doesn't have much to her name at all) that everything feels empty and disorganized to me.

I am the kind of person who feels very panicky when things aren't in their place. It truly causes me anxiety, and I hate that feeling brewing inside of me. I hate how it surfaces in the form of anger and discontent, and that I don't set a good example for my kids.

I struggle to create a place called HOME for them, where they are deeply rooted and feel content, because I never had that. Granted, my kids are 2 and 4 months, and there is time for that yet.

Every day is a battle between wanting to let things lie and not seem so crazy, and the deep need to clean clean clean.

My other issue is utter boredom. If you know me personally, you know how bored I am as a stay at home mom. However, I won't leave a babe to go back to work until they are at least one. To combat my boredom, I often go into a cleaning frenzy. It's like an endless circle though, because when I am cleaning instead of spending time with my kids, I end up feeling all this guilt, like I am neglecting them. I recognize that everyone has to do chores and get things done and can't hold their baby 100% of the time.

But mommy guilt still gets me.

If I am not cleaning, the boredom... I don't even know how to describe it. I don't want to move. I don't want to take care of my children. Each day I watch my husband leave with despair and envy. No, I don't have Post Partum Depression. I am just struggling to find joy in this season of my life.

When Liam was little, we were out every day doing things and having adventures. That is a rarity now. I am not sure where that got lost a long the way. I do know that I have anxiety attacks almost every time we leave the house, and it keeps sending me home to sit in boredom again.

I am ready for all of this to change. I am ready to be more intentional about how I spend my time, and especially how I raise my children. I feel like I've set an awful example, and instead of raising Liam, I am merely allowing him to grow up in my house.

Here's to being more intentional.

There is a time for cleaning. A time for relaxing. And most of all, times for adventure.