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I've mentioned before that Liam is a handful. Constant whining all day long.Waking up 2-12 times a night. Dissatisfaction with the whole world. I really thought that Liam was a grumpy child and that all he needs is more sleep, or to learn to communicate better.
But I'm realizing that Liam isn't simply grumpy. He is high needs - or, as author Mary Kurcinka calls it "spirited". Spirited sounds a lot more positive than high needs, but I don't have an issue with either term. I've been reading her book to help me learn how to better meet Liam's needs in order to make all our lives run more smoothly. Kurcinka is helping me realize that there isn't anything wrong with Liam; he is normal, times ten. He is normal, but more.
This books is helping me, but also hurting me. It helps to have someone validate my experience with Liam, and to know I am not the only one who has a child like this. When I read other parenting books in the past, especially those designed to help you help your baby sleep, it really made me feel like a failure, because spirited kids don't respond well to that kind of treatment. A case in point is sleep. I guess it's no surprise that babies that are high needs during the day continue to be so at night. They all have different preferences as far as how those needs are met (some want to nurse, some want to be rocked, some want to simply play) but most of them don't like to simply be held and cuddled. Liam was never a cuddler, because he doesn't want to sit still. Because of this, Patrick has never really been able to help me parent Liam at night. Liam definitely falls into the nursing camp. We've attempted letting him cry it out, but he doesn't respond to that. Spirited kids get fixated and are very stubborn, and they will cry all night sooner than passing out. We've attempted crying in arms, and that works better than anything else, but he still wakes hourly after his first six hours of sleep.
This is rough to deal with, to say the least. But it's not all.
Spirited kids don't do well with change. Or crowds. Or bring told no. They are extremely sensitive.
Imagine this little face looking at you all day, accompanied by a high pitched wail (but no tears). That'll give you some idea of what I hear/deal with all day.
But they also have a lot of characteristics that society admires in adults; it's simply hard to deal with in small children who can't reason or express their emotions very well. It's good to be able to look forward to the amazing adult my little boy is going to be, but in the mean time it can really put a damper on our days.
Having a kid isn't what I expected it to be. I think this is normal to a certain extent. Everyone has expectations that can't be met. I simply thought that we would be able to do things as a family like go to the zoo, travel, go on walks and adventures. But this is often extremely difficult or even impossible to do. I still try. Every day. But the only way to keep peace with Liam is if I sit in the living room with my boobs out and let him have access any time he wants while I stare at the TV. That's not really my idea of a good life, though.
Every day I am learning more about Liam's limits and what we can and can't do. So it's getting better. But it's still hard, especially for a person like me who likes calm, quiet environments. It would appear that I, myself, am a high needs person.
The thing that scares me the most is the thought of expanding our family and dealing with Liam while also taking care of a newborn. I know people do it every day, but I think it takes a very strong person to do it gracefully. I am not sure I have that strength.
But Liam is teaching me. Every day, I grow stronger and into the kind of mother Liam needs.
Do you have a high needs child too? How do you cope? What parenting strategies have you found successful?
