I first came across the the term "possibilitarian" in the summer of 2013, when I came across the art + blog of Kelly Rae Roberts through one of my favorite artists, Flora Bowley. We had just made a small but life altering move from Pensacola to Milton, Florida, about 40 minutes North. The house we had moved into was one of about 200 nearly identical military houses just outside of base. Tiny and extremely outdated, - think pink tiled bathrooms - it's only perk was the enclosed porch where we could sit and enjoy the breeze without being eaten by mosquitoes. I would spend hours there every evening after Liam had gone to bed, pouring over Kelly Rae's blog, amazed at her journey from thirty-something officer worker who had hardly any experience with art to hugely successful artist and author and inspirationalist in the span of just a few years. All because she believed in possibilites + following her hear and doing what felt good and right and true.
I've never much believed in the manifestation of thoughts. I've never much believed in anything other than my families curse of bad luck. I've been a pessimist my whole life, almost delighting in the irony when yet another bad thing happened to me or my relatives. We've learned to laugh about it, bitterly, and accept that we don't deserve any better than the worst of what life has to offer.
I hadn't heard the term "possibilitarian" yet when I met my husband in 20120, and neither had he, but I recognize now that that is what he is, even though he calls it something else. I think his version of it is less romantic, less spiritual, but it works just the same. He calls it PMA - Positive Mental Attitude. When I met Patrick he was blooming with abundance of good fortune in every aspect of his life. Since then, I have watched my family curse infiltrate our relationship and overshadow all of his PMA, causing ill health, debt, and a string of unfortunate events ranging from a hit and run to a cesarean section. All because I believed bad things had to happen to me.
But the truth is that they don't/ I don't deserve bad things. I am not a perfect person by any means. But most days I don't even believe that I am a good or decent person. I've spent a lifetime conditioning myself to this thought process, and perfected it over the years. I've trained in toxicity and negativity, chosen darkness and depression where others chose light and happiness. To the point that I can't even rejoice in the success of others or celebrate + acknowledge their beauty because it's too painful in the face of my own short-comimgs and failure.
It stops here.
No more.
I've watched this kind of behavior in certain friends of mine, recognized it for what it is and seen it destroy their lives + joy, and have been able to see that their pain and struggle is completely unnecessary. But I was never able to acknowledge the same attitude in me.
But now is the time for honesty. For possibilities. Because it's not just me anymore. And it's not even just me and a husband anymore. We have a child to raise in beauty, love + light. And I am growing a daughter who deserved much better than to be formed in the depths of negativity.
It's time to believe in the possibilities of our lives. To embrace the truth that we deserve good things. To see the possibility of beauty even in our dark moments. To surround ourselves with things that make us happy and let go of those things that don't - even if, on the outside, ridding our lives of negativity looks like a bad decision. Even if, at first, it hurts.
