High Needs, High Spirit

I've mentioned before that Liam is a handful. Constant whining all day long.Waking up 2-12 times a night.  Dissatisfaction with the whole world. I really thought that Liam was a grumpy child and that all he needs is more sleep, or to learn to communicate better. 

But I'm realizing that Liam isn't simply grumpy. He is high needs - or, as author Mary Kurcinka calls it "spirited". Spirited sounds a lot more positive than high needs, but I don't have an issue with either term. I've been reading her book to help me learn how to better meet Liam's needs in order to make all our lives run more smoothly. Kurcinka is helping me realize that there isn't anything wrong with Liam; he is normal, times ten. He is normal, but more. 

This books is helping me, but also hurting me. It helps to have someone validate my experience with Liam, and to know I am not the only one who has a child like this. When I read other parenting books in the past, especially those designed to help you help your baby sleep, it really made me feel like a failure, because spirited kids don't respond well to that kind of treatment. A case in point is sleep. I guess it's no surprise that babies that are high needs during the day continue to be so at night. They all have different preferences as far as how those needs are met (some want to nurse, some want to be rocked, some want to simply play) but most of them don't like to simply be held and cuddled. Liam was never a cuddler, because he doesn't want to sit still. Because of this, Patrick has never really been able to help me parent Liam at night. Liam definitely falls into the nursing camp. We've attempted letting him cry it out, but he doesn't respond to that. Spirited kids get fixated and are very stubborn, and they will cry all night sooner than passing out. We've attempted crying in arms, and that works better than anything else, but he still wakes hourly after his first six hours of sleep. 

This is rough to deal with, to say the least. But it's not all. 

Spirited kids don't do well with change. Or crowds. Or bring told no. They are extremely sensitive.

Imagine this little face looking at you all day, accompanied by a high pitched wail (but no tears). That'll give you some idea of what I hear/deal with all day.

 But they also have a lot of characteristics that society admires in adults; it's simply hard to deal with in small children who can't reason or express their emotions very well. It's good to be able to look forward to the amazing adult my little boy is going to be, but in the mean time it can really put a damper on our days. 

Having a kid isn't what I expected it to be. I think this is normal to a certain extent. Everyone has expectations that can't be met. I simply thought that we would be able to do things as a family like go to the zoo, travel, go on walks and adventures. But this is often extremely difficult or even impossible to do. I still try. Every day. But the only way to keep peace with Liam is if I sit in the living room with my boobs out and let him have access any time he wants while I stare at the TV. That's not really my idea of a good life, though. 

Every day I am learning more about Liam's limits and what we can and can't do. So it's getting better. But it's still hard, especially for a person like me who likes calm, quiet environments. It would appear that I, myself, am a high needs person.

The thing that scares me the most is the thought of expanding our family and dealing with Liam while also taking care of a newborn. I know people do it every day, but I think it takes a very strong person to do it gracefully. I am not sure I have that strength. 

But Liam is teaching me. Every day, I grow stronger and into the kind of mother Liam needs.

Do you have a high needs child too? How do you cope? What parenting strategies have you found successful?

My Darling

We have been married for almost 2 years and four months now. It feels like much longer than that.

Which is odd because we were not one of those couples who dated for five years, celebrated many anniversaries, family reunions, birthdays, traveled together, or experienced much of anything to together before we were married.

Our relationship was a force of nature and we let it sweep us where it may.

There is a lot of back story to us that I won't bore you with. Suffice it to say: we met in january 2010, we became friends in April 2010, started dating in May 2010, and were married in December 2010. We got pregnant with Liam in july 2011.

Our relationship began with us being apart - I spent the summer traveling and studying in Germany (with my ex, no less) and missing Patrick fiercely, while he remained in Oklahoma. When I got back, I was homeless (due to a lease snafu) for about a month and let me squat in his tiny apartment. The man owned no furniture.   All he had was a plastic set of drawers and an air mattress on the floor. He didn't even have a door on his bathroom. Talk about intimacy. He had video games and stacks of paper and books everywhere and his clothes were folded and stacked on a window seat. For a neat freak like me it should have been a nightmare but I was with Patrick and that was all that really mattered. What followed was camping trips, volunteer events, releasing wildlife together (I worked at a wildlife rehab center) watching countless seasons of Gilmore Girls and Buffy and Angel and Family Guy together, adopting our dog, Marla, and many trips to the dog park. Then, a whirlwind wedding after a single month of engagement (what a nightmare).Six months after we married we honeymooned in our tent in Branson (for those of you who don't know, Branson is the Las Vegas for old people and one of my favorite places in the world). And one month after that we had a positive pregnancy test.

Liam definitely changed the dynamic of our family, especially since Patrick and I had yet to really grow together. First, Liam tore us apart. Patrick was still in many ways a child and definitely not the man or the leader of our family that I needed him to be. For months I battled with post partum depression and all I really wanted was to leave Patrick, but I didn't have the financial means to support Liam, and I couldn't face the ridicule of a failed marriage.

I felt so jaded and cheated. I felt like the only basis for our relationship - our physical attraction for one another - had been torn apart and we were suddenly left with nothing.  We had very little in common, I thought. He is an engineer and a pilot in the Navy. I am the tattooed girl with the labret piercing with a biology degree who wants to save the environment. He doesn't believe anything is wrong with how we treat the environment. (Or, at least, that's how he acts. I am still not sure about what he truly feels.How's that for communication skills?)

I think the initial physical appeal you feel in a new relationship always evens out. That doesn't mean you don't feel attracted to that person anymore. It simply means you don't need to jump their bones every chance you get anymore. Most people have some basis for their relationship other than that. Patrick and I had very little to hold us together, it seemed, from my point of view. Don't get me wrong - we had fun together, and he was my best friend. But that does not a happy marriage make.

After he tore us apart, Liam stitched us back together. Liam has forced us to get creative, both in terms of dates (tent forts on the living room floor) and baby-friendly activities (lots of hiking, beach time, rolling around on the floor in a heap, etc). We have learned so much about each other thanks to Liam. We have learned to respect each other needs. Learned to compensate for the others weaknesses and rely on their strength. We have learned to make a  big deal out of little accomplishments and to view even the smallest outing as a huge adventure.

I love that Patrick is Liam's father and his daddy and I wouldn't trade this for the world.

I love that he is my accomplice in this life, through thick and thin. No matter how it started, I know our relationship will never end.

Toddleing

I am beyond in love with our life right now. There are a few big issues looming over my head that are causing me anxiety, but mainly just LOVE.

My little boy is toddleing all over the place, smiling and whining and being a goof ball. Isn't this age just amazing? It makes me so happy and I wish I could freeze time and keep him this way forever. It's hard to imagine that not too long from now he will be seven, and then thirteen, and then eighteen and possibly gone. Even harder to imagine is what I will be like. 

Aside from the past few days of rain and storms, the weather here has been hinting of summer, which means we throw open all the windows and try to survive without the AC for as long as possible. Thank goodness my post pregnancy hot flashes have finally stopped, so I no longer feel the need to keep the house at 69 degrees. We cracked open the first watermelon of the year today. Last year, when Liam was still just the bulge inside my belly, we lived off of watermelon. He seemed to love it today, perhaps in recognition.

Liam got a little kiddie pool to splash around in, and spends a lot of time in his skivvies (which is great because he has outgrown most of his clothes anyway).

Watching him play and grow and learn makes my heart swell with admiration. I can't wait to see what kind of man he is going to become, what kind of big brother, what kind of person. 

He is growing up to be so handsome. These days it's hard to tell if he looks like me or his daddy.

He has started to talk with his lips all pursed, making the cutest little baby words. This morning he said "Bad dog!" to the dog.  

I love the gap between his teeth, but for his sake I hope it closes as the rest of his teeth come in. Kids can be so cruel. In the mean time I will cherish that gap, and those little lips, and those big, fluffy cheeks that are just so edible!

JOY

Babies seem to feel joy in ways adults aren't even able to. I love that deep, belly laugh; the way they suck air in as though they are about to hyperventilate when something really excites them.

Pure, unadulterated, joy.

Talk about living vicariously.

What Happens at the Playground with Daddy, Stays at the Playground (or not)

Liam said "Daddy" (instead of Da Da) for the first time today...

So Well Prepared

Did I mention, this weekend we were honored with the award for best parents of the year?

Yeah, not really...

I still haven't perfected the art of packing a diaper bag. This weekend, we were out and a about without a change of clothes for Liam. This wouldn't have been a problem if he hadn't gotten into the water at the beach...

He ended up having to wear my shirt home. Oh, we were out of diapers too. Thank God Pampers can hold a ton!

Happy Fun Times

Yesterday was the best day of Liam's life, thus far. It was also the best day we have ever had as a family.

It started with me getting to "sleep in" until 8 am. Then, a huge breakfast of bacon, almond flour pancakes, and eggs. My mom didn't make breakfast for us very often when we were kids; I was always jealous of the kids whose moms got up to cook for them. (My mom is not a morning person. I was the kid waking up her parents to make sure I got to school on time.) So I determined even then that I would make breakfasts for my family, and I love doing it.

After breakfast, we decided to take our Boston terrier, Marla, to the dog park. My relationship with Marla has been strained ever since the baby has come along. Not only am I suddenly very sensitive to smells (and she has a skin condition that makes her smell like a corpse anytime fresh air hits her) but also to sounds.

Do you have any idea the kind of awful sounds flat faced dogs will make?? Do ya??

My mom has a Boston, and he is wonderfully calm. Marla, not so much. She danced and jumps and tramples on your feet with her awful claws and makes you bleed. She has no regard for human life, especially not that of a babies. So she has spent much of the last 7 months or so either in the back yard or in her crate. Now that Liam is getting bigger, and he can hold his own with her, things are getting better.

Taking her to the dog park reminded me of why I liked her, and dogs in general, in the first place.

The park we went to was small but awesome. A stretch of beach had been fenced in for the dogs, so they were able to go in the water to play and fetch balls.

Marla likes to herd other dogs; she was OBSESSED with this dog.

These 3, 250 pound mastiffs were gentle giants. Just the kind of dog Liam needs. They were incredibly calm and chill.

It was only noon when we left the park, and the whole glorious day stretched ahead of us. 

We decided to head downtown, since many of the restaurants there have outdoor seating and it was too hot to leave the dog in the car. Every Saturday, there is market there with vendors selling handcrafted items, local meats, etc, and I was excited to visit it. Lo and behold, they don't allow dogs, so we had to pass on it. We ended up eating lunch at one of our favorite places - Pita Pit. If there is one near you, and you have't tried it yet, do so. NOW. I fully endorse this brand, even though they are not paying me for it. Sadly.

At this point, Liam has been up for 5 hours without a nap. He usually doesn't go more than 3. So we loaded up and Liam fell asleep close to the house. I was totally high on the success of the day - ZERO meltdowns! and wanted to take advantage of the mood. So we ditched the dog at home and headed for the beach.

Let me just say, we go to the beach several times a week. I know Liam loves it. But yesterday was the first really WARM day we had, where people other than crazy surfers were getting in the water. 

I took Liam up to a tidal pool that kids were splashing around in, and set him down to stand in front of it. He dipped a toe in, squealed in shock and jumped away... and then ran into the water to the have the time of his life. Lots of splashing, crawling, laughing, wet-sand-eating ensued. 

Seeing Liam wrapped up in a towel wearing nothing but a diaper and eating a post-play snack made me realize what a person he is. He isn't just a baby anymore. We can do things with him, as a family, and have him involved. Our outings don't always have to be executed with gritting teeth and a screaming baby. 

Life is, dare I say it, fun again!

In case you are wondering, that strange sea monster I found is a sea louse. I'd never seen one before; they look like alien bugs.

To sweeten the animal-sighting pot a bit more, check this out....

That, my friends, is what we call an osprey nest. Osprey's seem to be quite common around here. I seem them almost daily, and we pass two nests on the way to the beach.

At the end of a long, awesome day, Patrick and I cuddled up beneath our blanket fort in the living room with cupcakes, beer and cinnamon pretzels to watch Supernatural.

Perfection.