Same As Mine

I was painting in my studio a bit ago when I heard my daughter - now a whopping 7 months old! - crying so I went to comfort her. I picked her up out of her crib, and she immediately wrapped an arm around my shoulder and laid her little head on my chest.

It made me think of how different my relationship with her is than the one I share with my son.

Perhaps it is because Liam is so much like me. Liam is a part of me, a piece ripped out of my heart, born of strife and adoration. My relationship with him feels like a necessity, like there was never a choice. Even though I never wanted a son, and I would have stopped at one kid had my first been a girl, he still would have been an integral part of my life. Our relationship is symbiotic, like lichen growing on a rock. He is so much like me, both in temperament and looks.

Maybe it's because she is so unlike me, but I feel like Cambria chose me, as opposed to having always been a part of me to begin with. She chose to be mine and she continues to choose me, every time she reaches to hold my hand, nuzzle my cheek with her nose (something she does to express her love; she does this to very few people), or smile at me until her big round eyes get squinty. In that moment I know she is truly mine, all mine, because those eyes are the same as mine.

Freight train

It's funny how you can feel an episode of depression building like a cold.

And by funny I mean absolutely terrifying because it's like watching a freight train barreling towards you and you're stuck on the track and there's nothing you can do to stop it. All you can do is wonder how long this will last, and what damage it will do to your marriage, your children; what bridges you will burn and how many friends will disappear from your Facebook friends list by the end.

Sometimes it feels like depression is just a physical weight in your head that you could remove if you just tried hard enough. Sometimes it feel like it's just something you use as an excuse to treat others and yourself badly. Sometimes it feels like a film over your eyes that you should be able to blink away but somehow you can't.

* * *

Today wasn't all that bad. It actually started really good. The kids and I got out of the house and did something fun which is really a rare occurrence. Seems like since we moved, life is about nothing but chores and errands and desperately trying to get the minimum amount of sleep necessary to sustain life.

So today wasn't all that bad, but like I said, this "cold" has been building. Suddenly, probably after my soda - my last toxic addiction - wore off, I felt like I wold explode if I didn't get away. The past few days I have been obsessed with the beach. Lying there in a cool breeze with my kiddos. Breastfeeding in the ocean with dolphins and sting rays swimming close by. The cold in this land locked state is doing bad things to my soul, and my body. Sometimes I get to feeling like my bones are vibrating, itching, and when the kid's start screaming it's just all that I can do NOT to leave. 

When I started feeling like this, I made a soft nest for Cambria on the floor with a bucket of toys, and I turned on Gilmore Girls and sat down on the couch with a warm cup of tea to share with Liam. I got to feeling a little better. I asked my mom to call me just so I could have some adult conversation. Then both kids started screaming again and just didn't stop until Patrick came home and a that point I excused myself and left to take a bath. While I was bathing, I had a good stress release cry. Then I thought of a friend who hasn't appeared in my newsfeed much lately. I searched for her on Facebook and saw that she had deleted me.

This person isn't a close friend, but we travel in the same circles and see each other at least once a month at VBAC support group meetings. While she and I have wildly differing opinions on most things, we haven't had any sort of altercation nor do we ever have conversations talking about these things. So I really don't know what I did to upset her, especially to the point that she had to delete m instead of just unfollowing me. She and her family are moving to Germany in May, but in the mean time all of the meetings we go to etc will be incredibly awkward. In fact, I probably won't go, and quite frankly I am upset that she would put me in this position.

Quite frankly, I am upset with people in general.

* * * 

By nature, I am a giver and a servant. I won't pretend this is altruistic. In fact, for the most part I don't believe in altruism. I do things for others because it makes me feel better about my own crummy self and my pitiful existence.

When people have babies I bring them food. I offer emotional, financial, and whatever other support I can.

When people move I help pack, clean, paint. 

When people need to run errands or have appointments I watch their children.

When people are sick I bring them food and medicine. 

I do, do do. And I don't do it so people will do things for me. But at the same time, when I am in need and there is absolutely no one there to offer me support, even if only in the form of a shoulder to cry on, then I get pretty upset.

I don't understand why people think I am good enough to accept help from, but never good enough to give help to.

I am tired of feeling like a second rate citizen.

I usually try to make happy posts. I try to focus on beauty and on joy.

Today I can't see those things.