Lazy Begets Lazy

When Patrick deployed several weeks ago, I quickly fell into a nice routine. Every night after the kids go to bed, I spend 30 minutes to an hour doing chores. I keep the downstairs fairly spotless. The upstairs is another story. But I've been pretty proud of how I've kept up with things. I have a mixed drink every night, and enjoy the process. It helps me unwind; it's almost meditative. A clean house makes my soul feel clean and organized.

But then.

Then, I should have several hours of free time, time to pant! Instead, I spend every night "relaxing". Netflix on, phone in hand, sitting on the computer.

Every now and then, it's really nice to relax. It's a lovely treat. But, relaxing really isn't very relaxing. It almost feels...toxic. The less I paint, the less inspired I am, the worse I feel. So. Tonight? I am getting off my butt and getting my fingers messy with paint :)

Speak Love

Things have been really tough recently.

From the extreme sleep deprivation, to a deployed husband, to a house in desperate need of so many minor renovations that make it feel like a dump, to the unsatisfying nature of being a stay at home mom, to the crippling love a mother feels for her kids which makes her feel incapable of leaving them for a moment, to the one million projects that I need to work on to make me feel like I am still a person.

I've done a good job keeping up with the chores while Patrick is deployed, though I am always too tired to paint much, or to cook. Our diet has suffered immensely. Generally, we are on a grain free, sugar free, dairy free diet. I cook 95% from scratch. But since Patrick deployed, I've hardly cooked at all, and we've eaten whatever we want.

I've gone to 115 pounds in November to wearing maternity pants in March.

It feels BAD. It feels like failure.

I want this skinny me back. I want to be a good mom. I want to be inspired. I want to be balanced. 

It's easy to say "A messy home is a happy home", or whatever people who prioritize making memories tell themselves. Truth is, for many of us, a messy home is an unhappy home. Clutter makes many people, including me, feel more stressed, and stress means bad mothering, no painting, and bad dietary choices. And when I have those moments of bad mothering, when I don't paint for days on end, when I make dietary choices - I beat myself up for them. I say awful things to myself, about myself.

I noticed this recently, how I always talk to myself with such negativity.

My short comings are marked with a bright red marker; my good deeds gone unnoticed.

I've realized that even when I am stressed, when I am not being a top notch mother or cooking the best of the best of the best (sir!), it's still ok. Acknowledge it. Say good bye to it. Do better next time. Don't dwell on it, and for goodness sakes, compliment yourself every now and then!

(But, DO figure out this deployment thing. Because Patrick is going to be deploying every other month, roughly, and you can't be putting on 20 pounds every time he does. Now, stop talking to yourself and get back to work!)

I made this piece on my art tablet the other day, while the kids napped. Simple and quick, just telling myself what I needed to hear, and what I think a lot of people need to hear!